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I just got back from jogging. It’s shocking to write that statement. It seems it might have been many years since I last did so. But I recently discovered that my tests indicate elevated cholesterol, and I’ve been advised to engage in vigorous activity regularly.

This is the first time in living memory that my motivation to be active has been my health status. In my youth, I exercised because I wanted to slim down. I also jogged to cure nervousness – I was merely escaping from the worry, instead of dealing with it. Sometimes, I jogged because I wanted to enhance in running. It signified the definition to me back then to build a better life.

Running for a different reason at present prompted contemplation about the methods I’ve connected with my physical self during my years and the way it’s evolving as I transition from early adulthood to middle age. I believe not I’ve honored my own body, not fundamentally. I’ve appreciated it only for its functions and the purposes it served me: trying to attract others; avoiding feelings; running a faster 5K run. Up to now, I hadn’t realized that I am my body, it is my existence, rather than something that produces results.

A great deal has been explored over the centuries about the split of mind and body – which it’s comforting to know, I’ll avoid detailing now. What has struck me most compelling is Sigmund Freud’s view that consciousness and physique are naturally unified from the beginning, because physical maturation necessitates psychological development and conversely. The infant’s physical sensations – like the physical sensation of hunger – motivate the brain to cultivate the skill to perceive hunger as a feeling that is alleviated by eating; and the emotional comfort and satisfaction repeatedly brought by meal after meal nourishes the young mind similar to the nutrition sustains them corporally. Likewise mental events – such as the urge to stand up and reach for something, and the persistence to try again and again – are why and how muscles grow stronger. From our earliest moments, our physical and mental selves are intertwined in reciprocal evolution as unified as DNA strands.

However I’ve observed, during therapy with my therapist, that my mind and body can be in a different kind of relationship – a less unified and somewhat abusive. My consciousness can use my physique to store and manifest things that my mind views undesirable or unbearable. In my sessions it emerged that exist certain emotions that I am afraid I can’t handle; in place of feeling these mentally, I subconsciously shift them to my physical self, where they remain as bodily signs.

I used to get this with indigestion – not connected to food intake, but acted as a form of physical reflux of the harsher emotions I failed to handle in my mind. This was not a deliberate decision, but once it was raised to awareness in sessions, and my anxiety and vulnerability and anger and alarm were experienced and expressed verbally in place of changed into physical sensation, it disappeared. I rarely suffer with digestive issues now.

The worst time I had this terrible acid reflux, I was unable to sleep for multiple consecutive nights. I believed I was forfeiting my mental stability. I consulted my doctor, who arranged various examinations and assessments, but there was nothing corporally problematic. It turned out to be another doctor who told me that the cause may be emotional. My therapist concurred. I was stunned, but I also knew it was correct.

If an individual is suffering a corporeal problem, they can be offended at the suggestion that it may have a mental root. They can experience like disrespect, being told that their symptom isn’t real. Certainly that does happen – individuals may experience their pain dismissed or incorrectly identified. However, sometimes it might be that the bodily signs exist – no question – and the cause is mental, the inner mind using the body to express emotional hurt or rage or any feeling the mind is unable to bear. At times, it’s easy to think our feelings matters solely if manifested as bodily symptoms. We often undervalue our mental states on a personal level, as a society and culturally; for what reason do we accept the appalling reduction of psychological therapies in public healthcare?

Life lessons have taught me that a better life cannot be created if we remain trapped unconsciously in ways of relating, internally and in relationships, that are rooted in disregard, use and transaction. Such patterns tend to be simpler to recognize “in the world” in broader culture. It’s likely harder to reflect on their origins, and to see these patterns personally and in intimate connections, in the dynamics of our minds.

However it’s worth persevering. Upon wearing my running shoes back on following many years, going outside without aiming for a better body, or to escape an emotion, or to surpass a personal best, {it